Woven

Some parts of our days parenting children of trauma are just plain craziness. And some days craziness begets craziness. For those readers with typically developing children who have not experienced trauma you might be thinking, "We have crazy in our home some days, too!" I am not talking about the kind of whiny, clingy toddler crazy that makes my sister-in-law hide in the closet when she calls me on the phone to get a last minute recipe for supper or share a home school idea. I am talking about self-preservation crazy that leads to manipulation, defiance, screaming, controlling, and other acts of outward physical aggression.

It seems exhausting to think that this is the kind of crazy we have been unraveling in our home for the past two years. I know that there are others out there who have been at it far longer than we have and that this is their reality, too. For these past two years we have tried many ways of adjusting our crazy life into the mold of normal and it has just never seemed to fit. We tried to do life like we had done prior to bringing trauma home and that didn't work (successfully) for us either. There was a big paradigm shift from our old normal to our new crazy. Of course, I meant to say to our new normal, but it really feels so far from normal.

We have finally found a few ways of weaving in the normal things we desire in family life amidst the crazy life that we have embraced.

• Coffee every morning! Nic goes to work exceptionally early each day, but I always try to get up with him and have a cup of coffee together with him - the first of many for the day. We try to pray for the kids together before he leaves and then I can squeak out a bit of quiet time until the kids get up. I love the quiet mornings before the day begins.
• In the midst of all of this, making time for each other in our marriage is difficult, especially since the kids have a hard (impossible!) time being left alone (together) with any sitter. But our friends showed us that it is possible to put the kids to bed early and go out for a nice date after they are in bed. This works great for us and for the kids who are so exhausted every night.
• Changing my expectations about arriving anywhere on time has helped me to focus on staying patient with the children. For several reasons, being rushed and my own impatience is a major meltdown trigger for the sweeties with PTSD or cognitive and developmental delays. I would rather arrive everywhere late and patient with calm kids than end up being super late with tantruming children, because who can arrive on time once 2+ tantrums have started on your way out the door.
• Saying no to commitments and even opportunities allows us to say yes to peace and relative sanity for our kids and consequently for us at the end of the day. Sometimes I am still sad to have to pass up opportunities I would have enjoyed in the past, but I know that the ensuing fallout would not be worth enjoying the momentary event.
• More focus on the heart, less on everything else. We have tried to get rid of and eliminate distractions that keep us from teaching and reaching heart issues - and that includes activities, events, friends, and things. We carefully count the cost in order to work toward helping to have hearts that are healing.
• Early bedtime!!!!! We love early bedtime. The days are long enough and filled with enough anxiety and drama that when bedtime comes we are all ready for it. Putting the kids to bed early helps us to be able to collect our thoughts/emotions after each day and to prepare for the next day.
• Help from friends and family - we have been so thankful for friends and family who have blessed us with their time, help, and prayers through this journey.

We are thankful that a bit of normal is being woven throughout our crazy each day. It is a unique tapestry that God is weaving here and one we are thankful to be a part of.

If you have other ideas for how to weave normal into the crazy of parenting children with past trauma or hidden disabilities, please share your ideas - we're always looking for more ways to stay relatively sane.