This Side Of The Gap

There is a type of revelation that happens when our reality meets our ideals and we have to sort out the potential of bridging the gap between the two. Sometimes the gap between our ideal for any situation and the reality we live is so huge that there is just no way to connect the two. We may find ourselves wondering how we ended up here, in this place, this situation. We may go through the stages of grieving our ideals: loss, blame, guilt, anger, acceptance.

While families adopting children with hidden or unknown disabilities go through this process of accepting the dissonance of reality verses ideals on an intense level at times, it is true that everyone deals with it at some level throughout life. We deal with it as children when our friendships fail and need restoration. We deal with it when we get married and wedded bliss is exchanged for the reality of working to love an honor one another above one's self. We deal with it when our careers become more demanding and less fulfilling. Having expectations about an event or relationship helps to prepare us in some way and it is good to be prepared. It is those very same expectations that can trap us in disappointment when we try to accept our reality and let go of our ideal expectations.

I am reminded daily of the gap between our reality and our ideal expectations. When I read an article on homeschooling that recommends that all academics should be wrapped up by mid-day to leave time for extracurricular and family time the rest of the day, I am reminded by what a wonderful ideal that is - and it was my ideal, too, at one time. The gap here between my reality and this ideal screams, We're not THAT family! When I see families that participate in sports and music extra curriculars I realize the gap between our reality and our past ideals for our children and again I'm reminded, We're not THAT family! When I consider making play dates with other families the gap between our reality and our ideal is like an ocean to me. With some children who quickly become overstimulated, enraged, threatened, manipulative, and lack social skills, those play dates are not at all what I imagined they would be in my ideal expectations and our reality laments, We're not THAT family!

The revelation that happens in the midst of processing the gap between our reality and our ideal expectations is that I am confronted with the sovereignty of God. I realize that in all of my preparations, education, and desiring good for my family through ideal expectations, I did not leave room for God's good design for our family to be anything but my good design. And this is my big gap. Obviously my good design is so much less than His. My design is less patient, less loving, less kind, less self-controlled, less faithful, less trusting. The list could go on an on.

No, we are not that family, not that ideal that I had created in my mind and heart through expectations. It is a beautiful thing to realize the gap and choose to be on this side, the side where reality lives. This side of the gap is messy, ugly, loud, and sometimes scary. This side of the gap is beautiful, too, because it is filled with a daily potential to love beautifully. This side of the gap is exciting, because we are utterly dependent on God in our weakness, trusting that He is more than able. This side of the gap is fulfilling in a pour-your-life-out sort of way that seeks the satisfaction of results in eternity and not in progress today or tomorrow.

To be honest, the gap itself between where we are and where we thought we would be right now is big. Sometimes it is discouraging. Sometimes it is sad. But most of the time now we can see it as just a gap between a place where we are and a place that God did not intend us to be. On our very best days we forget the gap even exists and can rejoice in being on this side of the gap.