When Anger Is Your Escape

After several relatively good weeks tonight was a bomb. I say "relatively" good because we live daily (24/7) with the effects of neglect, trauma and abuse. Sometimes that looks a little like life on the autism spectrum with a child who perseverates on a series of what seem like random things, but that really are not random at all - for example, having a posted menu due to intense worry over not having food, always having excess bottles of ketchup in the pantry and at least 4-6 gallons of milk in the fridge for fear of running out. Then there is an intense fear of being corrected for anything because correction by a parent always (repeat always) meant something dangerously bad in the past. My personal least-favorite and most growth-causing daily behavior is the desperate attention seeking because my precious, hurt children actually believe that if I am not looking at them, then I do not love them and I will forget about them. If they only knew how my heart loves them! If they could only take it in!

I am certain that I am like this to my Heavenly Father on my own "relatively good days," full of the effects of my own sin, 24/7. I perseverate on my own issues of pride, anxiety, perfectionism, and lack of trust. I have my own issues of fear and loss. And then I desperately don't want God to turn His attention away from me. Thankfully I can trust that He will be sufficient and sovereign in every moment. I am praying that my dear children can learn this in His time, too!

Tonight was a sorrowful example of what happens when anger is the escape that a person chooses to drown their hurts. One of our sweeties decided that she just didn't want to deal with the realities of life in our family any longer today and took her escape in hours worth of screaming and pounding and kicking the walls. Thankfully the violence didn't turn personal tonight - only the walls and floor took the beating and the house shook as she raged. We waited with diagnoses binder and lawyer phone number handy in case the neighbors in our townhome complex had reached the end of their patience with the screaming, slamming and pounding coming from our unit and decided to call the police on us. I am certain that there are other mom's out there with kiddos who have mental illness who share the same fears.

It has been a few weeks since we've experienced an episode this explosive, but we did our best to manage the fear and fallout for the other kids. We turned up the praise music during supper and worked hard to address their feelings of fear and sadness over their sister's choice. After living through the past 18 months there is a lot of fear that accompanies an episode like this for all of the other kids. I suppose this is true for us as parents, too.

Supper remained pleasant for everyone else. You could almost say that the family seemed unfazed by this display of anger, but it was only an outward display of controlled emotion that got us through the evening before one of the other kiddos started falling apart. This sweetie was able to express deep fear, grief, and terror over their sister's display of anger, but it came out at first in another display of screaming, crying and anguish. It was finally time to close the windows on this nice evening and crank the air conditioning. It is too bad we live in a townhome. We need a 4-acre densely wooded lot where our neighbors won't be bothered when our kiddos blow off steam. Maybe someday.

I have seen vividly how parental anger by first parents has deeply hurt our older children, and now I see the second-hand effects of that anger on our smaller children who had first parents who made gentle, loving placements. I grieve for them to have to experience this kind of anger. I have learned how I must be careful to guard my heart and emotions so that I do not crush my children with anger. The Bible is a great tool in exhorting parents to encourage their children and discipline them in love and without anger. I find that the more I reach out to discipline the heart issues of each of my children in love the more connected we are and the less often they respond in anger, even when it has been a learned response. Unfortunately, there will be days like today when anger is the old, easy escape that is hard to let go of and we need to manage that fallout with grace and love. We rejoice that God's mercies are new every morning (Lamentations 3:21-23) and we look forward to the sunrise!