Getting the Third Degree

Well, maybe the second degree...

Last weekend we enjoyed a visit to my parents home. They happen to live on a lake in central MN and the conditions were just about perfect (94 degrees and sunny) for those of us with less melanin in our skin and not enough time to put on sun screen to get some serious burns.

Why, you wonder, would anyone NOT have enough time to put on sunscreen?

It could be because we were continuously baiting four hooks and trying to keep a four year old from casting his hook into his sister's heads. And when we were not busy with that we were working as the foremen for some yard work clean up projects. When picking up sticks, distracted children mean that more sticks get thrown or used as weapons than actually picked up and put into the bonfire pile. We helped keep them motivated, attentive, and safe in their yard work. And then there was another project in a different part of the yard that included a hose, a bucket, some soap and a mess to clean up. I was monitoring that while I helped to prepare a snack. In between all of that the crew made a sand turtle on the beach but somehow forgot to put sunscreen on Papa! He ended up with second degree burns on his shoulders and lobster skin on his back. Thankfully everyone else just ended toasty warm!

All of this lead me to thinking about the times when we end up catching the third degree from someone who just doesn't understand the more complicated nature of adopting older children. Sometimes this has been extended family members who wonder why we haven't attended their special functions during the past 18 months. At other times it has been friends who have questioned our parenting style - a style that is really quite extreme in order to meet the therapeutic needs of our children. It is definitely not for your average, well attached kiddo. At other times friends or church members have questioned our emotional devastation over things they really can't comprehend because they would never see them outside of the closed doors of a home environment.

For most of the past 18 months, we found ourselves caught in these often polite third degree interrogations and we tried to explain, justify, and defend our position and our children's unique needs. Ultimately it felt like we were spinning our wheels and we ended up wasting emotion and energy that we needed to save in order to minister to our children's immense hurts at home. We knew when God called us to this adoption that we had a heart for ministering to children and the ability to love them as our own. What we didn't know was that there would be others who might be angry at us for having to put our children's needs above their particular social function while we worked to help our children heal or that there would be still others who would criticize us for our efforts at every turn (too strict, too easy, too loud, not enough fun, medicate, don't medicate, homeschool, private school, public school, special education).

We can honestly say that we are sad to have had to miss out on sweet events of our extended family and friends during the past 18 months, but like the family whose child is fighting a terminal disease in the hospital - any loving parent would not choose to be at your party instead of fighting by their child's side if given the choice. And we have chosen to remain consistent for our children, to give them what they need, and even to protect them from opportunities where they would be tempted to use old maladaptive habits they have not yet learned to change which would hurt them and/or others.

We are thrilled to be able to begin tentatively branching out and exploring with the kids, making connections beyond our immediate family; however, we always try to stay attuned to the kids stress and anxiety level and pull back when it gets to be too much. I assume we will continue to get the third degree for this, but I won't let it burn me! I know what my kiddos need in order to attach and thrive in our family and it is a precious blessing to be able to give them that.

My deepest hope in writing this is that if you know of another family in our same situation that you would be grace-filled in your words with them and your expectations of them outside of their home during this long transition period. It is really not a transition, it is a lifestyle and these lives are worth changing our lifestyle for, even if it means missing a few big events .

Honestly, my precious kids lives would be worth missing every big event on the calendar - I'd do it over again even if I could never attend another function. They are that precious.

And if we have offended anyone reading this by missing your special event this past 18 months or by being overly sensitive to your words, please forgive us. It has been a hard road. One we are thankful to walk daily with Jesus by our side. We are thankful to take baby steps toward healing and attachment with our children, which allows us to participate a bit with the rest of the "real world".

And super big thanks to those of you who have been there, done that, and are not one bit phased by my traumas. You help me feel a little bit "normal" and I celebrate when I am with you. Also, big thanks to the sweet friends who haven't the foggiest idea of what we walk through daily, but who are willing to listen, pray, and love us unconditionally as we love our kiddos.