Why Do You Do That?

When parenting attachment challenged kids - kids that fall anywhere on the attachment disorder spectrum or children who are newly attaching to their parents - it is important to realize that parents have reasons for doing things that may look odd or even unreasonable. It is not normal to be attaching to a new parent at the age of 5, 8, or 10 or even at the age of 6 or 12 months. "Normal" is to attach to the parent who has carried you protectively in her womb for 9 months and given birth.* So, along those lines, it would be reasonable to expect parents of children who are learning to attach to do some rather non-normal things for children their ages because these kiddos are going back to a stage that is much younger than their age in order to accomplish one of the first developmental milestones: attachment.

I won't go into the psychological and neurological benefits of healthy attachment, but there is plenty of research out there on that and a few of the books on the links to the left that highlight parenting for attachment. What I would like to do is to shout out that kiddos who come home with attachment disorders need different things than kids who have grown up secure in a family, learning to trust their parents from infancy. Often people criticize the parents of attachment disordered children for being overprotective, but these parents know the needs of their children's hearts and they are not the same as the children without attachment disorders. We happen to be able to see both perspectives in our home and it is amazing. One of our children actually goes "family shopping" every time we step out of our home to a public area. This sweetie fantasizes being part of family life in the homes of perfect strangers. You might be sighing and saying in an exasperated voice right now, "Well, every child wishes their parents were different at some point!" Maybe, though I hope not. And certainly not every child seeks out complete strangers at parks and in department stores and joins their family groups, pretending as if they belonged and trying to avoid our family the way two of ours do.

I would like to thank the Leberts for sharing their family's journey and writing with such honesty about the bonding process. I also want to share a quote from a recent entry where they talk about what their kids need in terms of attachment.

The difference in our kids is amazing! When they are not faced with the temptation to try to be in a different family, they actually kind of like being in our family!

We, too, have noticed that it is difficult for our attaching kiddos to choose our family over any other (including grandparents, extended family, and friends). In fact, they will reject our family if given any chance at all. However, if they have no chance to chose another family or extended family member to be with they end up laughing and smiling and enjoying just being us - so we are planning lots of camping trips this summer where they are just stuck with us! We will call that "attachment therapy" for the summer.

*We rejoice in knowing that in this fallen world with over 140,000,000 orphans, God has chosen to use and provide the method of adoption as a way to grow families and care for children. We are pleased with His provision of adoption regardless of how challenging it is! He is good to care of the orphan through adoption.