Perspective

After 14 months I am having an opportunity to get away and gather some perspective, to collect the bits of perspective that God shares with me, dumps on me, piles on me, and throws at me in the midst of each day and week. This opportunity comes as a result of my husband's generous gift of his time and patience, and my sister-in-law's gracious gift of her house for the weekend as a place of escape.

Our past 14 months has been, in the perspective of the world, a most complete failure - on our part, on the part of the Colombian Family Welfare Institute, on the part of our county's support service providers. The list could go on and on. The enemy wakes me up each morning whispering the word failure as I hit my snooze bar, as I pour my first cup of my two pots of coffee each day, as I snuggle into my spot on the couch and claim God's grace for the very real failures of the coming day. And later in the day it comes again, not so subtle as my children verbalize the enemy's whispers when they scream at me from a place deep within their trauma claiming that I am a bad mom, stupid, horrible, hated, mean and the cause of all their problems. And a sweet child who knew nothing of trauma now falls apart in his own world of hurt and fear on account of this past year - another failure in my long list as a mother, that I would allow this to happen to him. There is the loss of another son who was too violent and too hurt to stay - the failure that I could not keep everyone safe. This is the overwhelming world in which we live, but that perspective of failure is not all I am able to see. There is more.

There is the perspective of God's sovereignty which reminds us of His eternal purposes that have led us through an intense and refining fire during this season of loss and hurt, this season of learning to love unconditionally, to trust and hope deeply in His sufficiency for all of our needs, to believe that all is done for our ultimate and eternal good and His glory. This earthly failure is but a season, though painful, and that is a perspective I must continually remind myself of.

It is also important to consider all that God has done - His blessings for our family - lest we become bitter in the enemy's constant reminders of our failings. God's blessings are infinitely greater than the depth of our sorrow, grief, pain and loss. In the past year God has done a mighty and healing work in the life of our oldest daughter. She is a beautiful girl and a delight to parent. She loves the Lord and is growing in her relationship with Him. She is learning to trust us as her parents despite what she learned from 10 years of having traumatic and torturous parenting relationships. This is truly a miracle. God is also at work in our youngest daughter's heart, drawing her to Him as she calls upon Him and loves Him with her all her heart. He has given this 5 year old wisdom and compassion in a way that most children her aren't able to comprehend, likely due to all that she has walked through this past year. Her heart is still tender to the cause of the orphan despite all she has lived. God has brought alongside us skilled and compassionate professionals able to diagnose and guide our family. He has also given us a support system of families who have walked this road before and have chosen it again. Only God moves hearts that way. In the depth of our grief and loss, God raised up a godly family willing and capable (without younger and hurt children) to parent the son who was too violent and hurt to return to our home. Our hearts mourn for our loss and rejoice for God's provision. We are thankful for faithful friends who haven't given up on us after 14 months of our wilderness experience where we haven't been able to give of ourselves to them, but they have continued to bless us with their love and support and patience in our long time of need and pain. They are truly long suffering with us as God is for us. Another miracle that God has worked in the heart of Nic and I, is to strengthen His call on our hearts to the passion and cause of the orphan. After all of this it would seem only natural for us to be turned off from the idea of adoption or older child adoption, but we find our hearts burdened even more for it. We see God making our hearts tender, providing opportunities for us to encourage and prepare others in ways that we were not encouraged or prepared. We feel God holding our hands, drawing us along this road, asking us to trust Him in obedience with His future for our family, whatever that holds - success or failure - with compassion for the cause of the orphan. Only God can do that. He has blessed us to be a blessing.

In all of this I cannot lose the perspective that God has brought us through this tremendous loss and His great blessing for His purpose and He will continue to work out all of His purpose for our good and His glory. His sovereignty is sufficient for me in spite of my ongoing pain and grief or momentary joy and peace. I can rejoice in that regardless of the success or failure within our family situation.

It certainly helps to have these moments to gather these pieces of perspective. To those who are just returning home or who are about to venture out into this world of older child/sibling group adoption, don't wait until 14 months have passed to take time to gather God's perspective on where He has brought you!

I just read John Piper's new book A Sweet & Bitter Providence where he expounds on the story of the book of Ruth. It was a magnificent reminder to me of what God is doing in our life and how difficult it is to hold onto His perspective in the midst of trials. I highly recommend this book - run out and get a copy or order it at desiringgod.org. In the book Piper explains how God's sovereignty brought a famine that drove Naomi and her husband to Moab, how her sons married unbelieving Moabite women, how her husband then died and her sons also died childless, how they left her alone in Moab with these unbelieving daughters-in-law. It was all so bitter to her. She felt so empty and alone and bitter. She didn't even realize that God had lifted the famine in Bethlehem so that she could return. She didn't see Ruth's (her daughter-in-law) pledge to return to Bethlehem with her as a blessing. Because of her bitterness she couldn't see God's provision of a kinsman redeemer for Ruth to care for their family. In addition, Ruth's love for Naomi and care for her and dedication to obey God in all things was the beginning of so much more than she had imagined when she committed to return with her to Bethlehem from Moab. God honored this obedience.

I want to end this time of gathering perspective with a quote from A Sweet & Bitter Providence:

The book of Ruth wants to teach us that God's purpose for his people is to connect us to something far greater than ourselves. God wants us to know that when we follow him, our lives always mean more than we think they do. Naomi had no idea in the land of Moab that God was making her the ancestor of the Messiah. For the Christian, there is always a connection between the ordinary events of life and the stupendous work of God in history.

Everything we do in obedience to God, no matter how small, is significant. It is part of a cosmic mosaic that God is painting to display the greatness of his power and wisdom to the world and to the principalities and powers in the heavenly places (Ephesians 3:10). A deep satisfaction of the Christian life is that we are not given over to trifles. Serving a widowed mother-in-law, gleaning in a field, falling in love, having a baby - for the Christian these things are all connected to eternity. They are part of something so much bigger than what they seem. (p. 121)