The Discipline of Perseverance

I do not sleep much, nor do I sleep well when I do try to make a restful night my aim. I have never needed lots of sleep, though I'm certain my mother and many in the medical profession would argue the health benefits and necessities of 8+ hours of sleep a night. This past year we have been averaging 4-6 hours a night. There was a span of months when we felt that we needed to be that hyper-vigilant for the safety of all the children, and so deep sleep was not a priority. However, for most of the past year, the days have been so consuming during the children's waking hours that I am not able to focus on anything besides hands-on teaching, correcting, redirecting, separating, pacifying, holding (restraining), and general emergency clean-up (think gallons of spilled milk and a toilet plunger that is nearly worn out!). When I say "hands-on" I truly mean that my hands have been occupied with these parts of my daily life so that I have been unable to prepare for the coming day or meal, attend to personal hygiene, return important medical/legal phone calls, etc. Those life-chores that normal parents attend to on a daily basis are routinely pushed to the evening post-bedtime hours. I get my third or fourth wind after that second pot of coffee, and I can get a lot done between the hours of 9 p.m. and 1 a.m. Since Nic's position at Tennant has changed and he needs to be at work early, we have begun to go to sleep earlier. It is our goal to pray together each morning for the children before he leaves at 5:30.

I am truly a morning person and I love the quiet hours of the morning before Noah creeps out of bed and snuggles up with me on the couch. Next comes Serena to curl up beside us with her Bible. Corinn gets up and dressed on her own. Aliah stumbles out of bed only when the threat of breakfast beginning without her becomes imminent. And then the day begins and I don't sit again until post-bedtime. It is a daily race of perseverance and endurance that we run.

This past week while I was soaking up the quiet morning hours I was contemplating my exhaustion after 14 months of this pace, desiring God to grant us a bit of rest. I am currently reading Stand: A Call for the Endurance of the Saints edited by John Piper and Justin Taylor with works complied by several different authors. In the first chapter Jerry Bridges says this of perseverance:

The word perseverance is very similar in meaning to the word endurance, and often we equate the two. But there can be a subtle difference. The word endure means to stand firm, and that is the theme of this book. We are to stand firm. We're not to be carried about with every wind of doctrine theologically. We're not to go off to this and that and the other. We're to stand firm. But we need to do more than stand. We need to move forward. When Paul says, "I have finished the race" (2 Tim. 4:7), obviously he was talking about motion. And perseverance means to keep going in spite of obstacles. So when Paul says, "I have finished the race," basically he was saying, "I have persevered." We do need to stand firm, and Scripture over and over again exhorts us to stand firm. But remember, that's more than just standing still. If we get that idea, we've missed the point. We must move forward. We must persevere. We must be like Paul and say, "I have fought the good fight, I have finished the race, I have kept the faith." p. 35-36

I am thankful this week for some friends who stepped up in an instant to help give me some time to rest, think and get refreshed in order that I may continue on in the discipline of perseverance. Until now I have not felt like it was wise for our children to be left with others due to the intensity of their attachment challenges. And even now there is one child who is spending time at home with a helper while I regroup, just so she can be close by. Last year during the initial adjustment period and the time when we saw numerous specialists, our youngest two children had to be left with sitters, friends or extended family countless times in order to get appropriate medical help or crisis intervention. After that initial shock period wore off, we saw how difficult it was on even these two children to be constantly left with well-known family and friends and we worked hard to make their daily lives as stable at home as possible. After 14 months, and still running this race of perseverance toward attachment, stability, peace at home, and Christlike, sacrificial love, I have many moments where I can't see the forrest for the trees. Or, as a runner, I can't see the pavement for the sweat dripping down my face. Or as a "therapeutic," homeschool mom, I can't see a workable daily plan for my exhaustion. I am overwhelmed with gratitude for the kindness and willingness of those who have stepped in to help make it possible for that vision to come alive again. For those of you who have just returned, who are leaving soon, or who are considering this marathon of older child adoption: find a reliable, trusted source for respite who understands attachment so that you can get a break to refocus and continue on in your discipline of perseverance.

God's Word confirms that He will make it possible for us to persevere in this endeavor because He has called us to it. Last Sunday Pastor Luis at the 16/33 Center reminded us: "A todo lo que Cristo salva, Cristo gobierna." All that Christ saves, He governs. We know that He has saved us. We know that He governs over every aspect of our lives, making it possible for us to persevere because He has brought us to this very place in our lives. After 14 months of exhaustion and pouring out my life for my precious children on behalf of Christ, I know that I can persevere because of Christ's sovereign grace and love. I am reminded of the discipline it will take and how that discipline is already provided for me in the second chapter of Stand by pastor and author John Piper:

If every exertion you make in the discipline of perseverance is a work of God, then these exertions do not make God become 100% for you. They are the result of his already being 100% for you. He is for you because you are in Christ. And you cannot improve on the perfection or the sacrifice of Christ. If by faith you are in Chrsit, God is as much for you in Christ as he will ever be or could ever be. You don't persevere to obtain this. Because of this, you will persevere. p. 42

It is good to be reminded of the reason why we are able to persevere - and that we are able to persevere indeed. I never would have known this had the discipline of perseverance not been so challenging during the past year. I am so thankful for the lessons I continue to learn daily as I walk through this journey.