What Have We Done

What have we done?

...to our younger children, to our marriage, to our extended family and relationships, to these precious children...

Ashamedly, in my earthly minded brokenness, these words have come from my mouth in the past two years more often than I care to admit. Often it has been after everyone is tucked in bed after hours of managing a raging child or pouring affection and effort (and self-control) into therapeutic parenting. This unspeakable question comes when I am tired, exhausted, drained and it hits me hard, pulling me down to places that cannot bring any benefit to me or my family.

It is not a good question - not because of it's negative implications and guilt inducing tendencies - but because it is not the right question.

Asking what we have done implies that we are of more authority than the God of the universe who holds all things together. Asking what we have done robs God of His sovereignty. Asking what we have done strips Him of His sufficiency for us in all things. He orchestrated all things for our eternal good, even the difficult path that we journey daily.

God has been gracious to reframe this unspeakable question for me in recent months and What have we done? has become God, what do You want me to do? Sometimes the answers elude us and seem complex - but we are comforted by the clearest of answers that we find in the Bible, directives for how to love, care for and parent our children, taking into consideration their past. We are comforted with reassurance of God's sovereignty and His promise of mercy for each day. We are encouraged and lifted up by the prayers of other believers.

And so, in all of this, what have we done? We have obeyed God's calling in adoption and we have been stretched beyond what we thought we could bear, only to learn that we cannot do it on our own and we need to depend daily on our Savior. We have exposed our prettiest sins in a refining fire. For example, I once thought I was a patient kindergarten teacher but that was patience in my own power and ability. I had no idea what patience was before I was forced to depend on God for the true fruit of patience through His Holy Spirit. We have learned to be content in every situation, realizing many needs that have humbled us. How hard it has been to have to say, "I'm sorry I cannot care for my child. Can you help me?" Or "I can't keep all of my children safe and I need help." The pain of the reality of those words can only find comfort through the healing balm of Christ.

Most precious, though, is not what we have done at all, but what God is doing even in the midst of these hard times. When I worry most about what we have done to the younger children at home who now struggle at times with anxiety, I see how sweetly they are learning to love beyond their ability, to trust our Sovereign God, to depend on His daily mercies, and to forgive when they have been deeply wounded. When I worry about what we have done to our big kiddos who have deep hurts and big needs, uprooting them from all they have known and turning their lives upside down, I see God doing an amazing transforming work in their hearts and minds, drawing them to Himself. My desperate question, What have we done? turns into a rejoicing prayer of thanksgiving, God, thank you for all that You have done and all that You are doing!