Sweet Rewards

I am not a fan of behavior modification systems, particularly those that reward children for outward changes in behavior while neglecting to see the heart motivation behind the behavior itself. Additionally, I am absolutely opposed to behavior modification systems that are labor intensive for those who are monitoring progress: sticker charts, reward jars, calendars, etc. I just don't have time to be wrapped up in dropping beads, beans or marbles into a jar for each act of sweetness - and then guarding the jar to make sure none are stolen or added in my absence.

I have enjoyed reading about these kinds of behavior mod systems, classroom management systems, and even family management/homeschooling systems thoughout the years and I have a collection of books on the topic. When it comes to implementing a system in my home, I become very uneasy. I am in favor of basic encouraging, teaching and admonishing our children toward heart change, but I realize that I cannot control their hearts. And likewise, I have come to realize that for some of my children, they cannot control all of their behaviors and fear responses. It is called a disability. With prayerful consideration, we tip-toed into the world of behavior modification this summer, bypassing rewards of toys and food because these become traps for our sweetheart and soon the focus becomes the reward and the goal of the changed behavior is long forgotten. This leads to intensified raging over the loss of or perceived distance to the reward.

The rewards we chose are so minimal that most children would probably turn their nose up at them, but we are hoping that they will become meaningful to our child after time. We are not seeking to grow an orchard overnight, but to soften the soil of our child's heart and prepare it for accepting love from us and from God. We worked together with our in-home therapist to come up with a rating scale for anger management that was easy for our child to understand. Each night at bedtime we read a devotional book together with this child, reflect on the day, help this sweetie evaluate choices from the day, and choose an appropriate rating scale for the day. At the end of the week if the total adds up to a certain amount (meaning that our sweetie has not really lost it for too many days during the week) Nic or I choose one of the fun bonding items from the list to do just with that sweetie: bake a sweet treat together, stay up 15 minutes late reading together, stay up 15 minutes late playing cards or a game together, have special time with just mom & dad. Each item is intended to enhance bonding and to focus on relationship. In a home with multiple needs we need to be flexible enough to choose which reward is manageable for the family. For example, some weeks it just does not work for us both to take one child out or other weeks staying up late is not a good option.

Something else to note: each of our kiddos takes turns on the weekly rotating chore chart of being Mama's Helper for the week. That means that one particular child is responsible for helping me in the kitchen all week - and of course, helping with any miscellaneous chores I may assign or helping other children who need it. They get the mail and feed the dog. Basically the helper does all the fun jobs. So, every child gets to cook and bake with me on-on-one on a rotating basis and it is not just something that one child gets to do as a reward for a behavior modification system. This is the coveted job in the house and they haven't really caught on that I am giving them more jobs at will besides just helping in the kitchen. They love to be in the kitchen. (I think it is great, but I do pray that they will all marry a spouse that knows how to cook better than I do or they may end up cooking for some very disappointed families some day!)

Tonight was a sweet reward night! It was time for the behavior mod reward and mmmmm was it ever tasty! I used my friend Mrs. Graber's delicious chocolate chip cookie recipe and we worked on measuring, counting, cracking eggs, and cleaning up, as well as having fun together like parent and child should be able to do. In the end the entire family earned the reward of soft, chewy chocolate chip cookies for dessert - a special treat for everyone!

It is my hope that the past seven days of good self-control, patience, and perseverance by this sweetie will also be progress toward making a lasting and meaningful change. It is also realistic for me to know that the past two years have held good weeks like this one, followed by hard months. I am content to know that God is sovereign and sufficient in both seasons.