Transform Me

The transition to school has not been an easy one for our big girls. There have been many successes and just as many struggles that have been met with the need to advocate and educate the educational team regarding my children's unique developmental, academic and emotional needs. As a professional educator, I find this both exhausting and frustrating. As a mommy, it motivates me to advocate all the more for my precious children.

One of the most challenging transitions to school has been just getting everyone there. Last Friday morning was not a pretty one, though it was typical of the past two and a half months of school. I won't paint all the nauseating details here because they really sound like whining and are not edifying for anyone to read. Suffice it to say that my husband fielded a tearfilled call from me at work by 8 a.m., and my sweet sister-in-law heard the same story, only longer, later in the day. The summary of the story goes something like this: It is hard being a mom of children with attachment and post traumatic stress disorders and a child who has brain damage. I feel like such a failure and I am tired!

Interestingly, the things I got stuck on all day were the inconsequential details that seemed to absorb me. I was so discouraged because of the amount of energy, time and effort needed for me to get everyone ready for school. I was devoured by sadness in realizing that one of my kiddos may never be able to get ready on their own and that this is a life-long journey for me. The fact that I had to hand hold through bathroom breaks, hair brushing, teeth brushing, breakfast, getting dressed, making beds, jacket, socks, shoes, hat, mittens...specifically with one child and then with the three others who were needing direction and help, too, well, it just exhausted and overwhelmed me. Each minute detail of the morning just to get out the door was like a crushing weight realizing that my child needed so much of me. And then realizing that my other children need me, too. This particular child cannot plan a task, organize what needs to be done, and follow through to accomplish it. Even a task as simple as getting dressed may take 45 minutes and end up needing assistance. Silly example, maybe.

Worse yet, I was crushed that I was crushed. I knew better. My hope was not in the success of my children or their ability to get to school on time with coordinating clothing. These were inconsequential details not worthy of consideration for eternity. It was my children's hearts that mattered. It was my heart before the Lord that mattered. It was receiving the blessing of my children, abilities and disabilities, and honoring God with my role of being their mom - this is what mattered.

Our mornings have started out exactly the same this week with lots of hand-holding and encouraging, picture cues, and verbal reminders for basic self-care skills. We have made it to school barely on time yesterday and with time to spare today. Both days have been a success, however, because I viewed them as opportunities to share God's love with my children. Was it easy? NO! I walked around the house this morning whispering a desperate prayer as I tried to stay patient, calm and loving in order to help one particular child keep getting ready and not spin out of control and into an angry rage or a PTSD episode. If you would like to pray this prayer for us or for yourself and your own child(ren) I have included it below.

Transform me, Lord! Give me Your heart for this child. Show me with Your eyes what he/she needs right at this moment. Fill me with the fruits of Your Spirit so that I can be loving, joyful, peaceful, patient, kind, good, faithful, gentle, and self-controlled. Help me to show him/her Your holiness, goodness and love. Help me to honor You in this situation!