Regaining Peace

RAD (Reactive Attachment Disorder) is a mental health disorder that makes some families feel like they are going crazy living with the disordered individual. To the outside world, visitors, guests, and teachers, the attachment challenged child can behave convincingly one way and at home the child can be entirely different. It is most definitely crazy-making. For those children who struggle with RAD to the extent that their behavior is violent and aggressive against the home family, it is not only crazy making, it is scary. It is frightening to watch a child be convincingly sweet to the outside world, including extended family and friends, and then turn on the parents the instant they are at home, away from others. It is a frightening possibility that a family like this could have no one believe them while everyone believes their attachment challenged child who spins half-truths and lies about their home life.

We live with some RAD kiddos. We expected this possibility when we adopted older children. We were not unprepared for this. One of our RAD kiddos falls on the less severe end of the RAD spectrum. By all accounts she's doing quite well. Several steps forward, and then we trip and fall, but progress nonetheless. She is blossoming despite everything. Our other RAD sweetie falls about in the middle of the attachment disorder spectrum. She struggles with developmental delays that make learning to attach a hurdle that looms as large before her as the Sears Tower. Some days at home are rotten, she'd most often like to live anywhere else, we do feel like we are losing our minds and like no one else sees what we live with, and some days are a bit scary. This has been our private reality. It is a reality that has been replayed multiple times over and has brought our family varying degrees of trauma and loss this past sixteen months. It is real and it is hard.

Through all of this, God has been our peace. The days and nights are overwhelming. The kids needs are overwhelming. The quest to find the right qualified, skilled help - and then to keep it - has been overwhelming. And yet, we have this peace that has not escaped us. God is so precious.

It has been my hearts desire as well as a practical, working goal of mine, to regain the peace that we have lost within the walls of our home when RAD-life walked in and took over. How does one do that? What do the steps look like? How do I help the other children not live in fear or respond in fear when someone else is having a scary-looking meltdown or behaving deceptively? How do I help kiddos to attach and feel secure and yet instill consequences for behaviors that hurt and scare others?

Though there are many books out there on this topic of attachment disorders and trauma (and we have read most of them) there is no one, single, step-by-step way to make it work for kids as complex as these. It is a daily plodding along through the valleys and depending on our Savior. He is our sufficiency when life seems crazy and too much seems lost, and His sovereignty is our constant reminder of our purpose in the midst of these hard days. His grace and love for us is our peace. When our kids are not able to find peace of their own yet within our family, and are even working hard to destroy the peace and structure that we have here, I am confident and content to call on Jesus to be my peace in the midst of all of this and in brokenness for my sweet children, I ask Him to be peace for them, too.

I will leave you with a phrase or two of lyrics from two songs that have come quickly to my heart these days during intense moments at our house. I sing them quietly to myself and as a prayer asking God to fill me and our home with His peace. I am blessed as I watch the other children learn to do the same when they feel overwhelmed by the anxiety that sometimes surrounds them. If you are a RAD mom or find yourself in the midst of parenting difficult children today (some days just parenting "normal" kids is difficult), then I hope these lyrics are an encouragement to you to grab onto the Provider of Peace and to rest in His presence.

Perfect Peace

by Laura Story

In this time of trial

Pain that no one sees

Trust me when I say

I will give you perfect peace

And you'll never walk alone

And you'll never be in need

Though I may not calm the storms around you

You can hide in me

Burdens that you bear

Offer no relief

Let me bear your load

Cause I will give you perfect peace

Peace

by SovereignGraceKids

Peace, You give me peace

When the storms come and I'm afraid

Peace, you give me peace

When I trust in the words you say

You give me peace

If you can calm the sea

Then you can comfort me

If winds obey Your voice

Why should I fear their noise

And though my eyes can't see

I know You're here with me

When someone starts to fight

And does things I don't like

I hear your gentle voice

Saying I have a choice

To make an enemy

Or spread Your peace

Peace, You give me peace

When the storms come and I'm afraid

Peace, you give me peace

When I trust in the words you say

You give me peace