Saying Goodbye...Again

2 Corinthians 5:17Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation. The old has passed away; behold, the new has come.

Recently, as I looked around my house a sense of despair came over me.  There were shoes everywhere.  Soccer cleats, sandals, tennis shoes, and, oddly, winter boots sprinkled here and there as if they were land mines just waiting for the tired parental unit to trip on them.  Knitting needles were hidden, tucked into couch cushions, waiting for the unsuspecting parent to collapse exhausted into the couch only to be stabbed in unspeakable places.  There were stacks of schoolwork, looming like mountains on all the flat surfaces of the main floor of the house.  Piles of Geometry, Algebra, and one of every other level of math, skipping grade levels down to kindergarten, seemed to rise up like soldiers and surround me after bedtime. A continual grocery list was lost again on the kitchen desk that never got cleaned off.  Phone calls hadn't been returned for over a week.  Emails hadn't been returned if they managed to slip off the first page of my inbox, which they seemed to do instantly.  Paperwork needing to be turned in for various things was clipped together in a pile with the most urgent on bottom and the most recent collecting dust on top, mostly all long overdue.  

These were the visible, the daily physical things, that threatened to overwhelm me.  I really hate to be unorganized, late, and messy.  I love (in a manner akin to idol worship) being prepared, organized and structured.  Seven years ago at this time I was preparing to leave the country to travel to Colombia for five weeks to adopt our first child.  I was missing the last five weeks of the school year at the small school where I taught kindergarten.  Even though my very trustworthy student teacher was coming back to sub for me and knew the routine and the students, I still made five weeks worth of daily folders for her so that every worksheet, newsletter, and supply was ready for her at the beginning of the five weeks.  By being prepared, I felt in control of my little classroom, even from a different continent. 

As I assessed our home, the non-physical observations in my home seemed to pile up, too.  I saw, heard, and felt broken hearts at every turn and in all the dark brown eyes I searched.  I sensed fear, anger, anxiety, and disappointment.  Navigating hurt pasts, making sense of being together now, and communicating hope for a future together as a family seemed like a high school track and field event in which someone quadrupled the hurdles and doubled the hand-offs in an event of relay-hurdles.  I compared our family with an unknown, unrealistic ideal and we fell short every time.  

Crying out in prayer, I laid my frustrations down.  Again.  I asked for an eternal perspective and for eyes to see God's work and purpose.  I begged God to not let me be swallowed up by comparisons and unrealistic expectations.  I kept hearing the words say goodbye over and over in my heart as I struggled to grab onto the joy and purpose He offered for my life in His Word.

I needed to say goodbye.  

Again.

Goodbye to expectations that weren't meant for our family or for this season of our life.  

Goodbye to comparisons that were unrealistic and unfair.

Goodbye to complaints over physical circumstances and emotional wounds and baggage.

Unless I say goodbye I am unable to say hello to the incredible blessing God has given me, the wonderful opportunity to welcome these children into our hearts and home.  I don't want to overlook our reality (the shoes, school work, mess, and brokenness).  It is simply too big to overlook.  Instead, I want to be able to rejoice in God's work within our reality.  With a new perspective I am able to rejoice in hearts that are being made new, relationships that are blossoming, a future and a hope for each of these hearts and lives.  With a new perspective, my mess is acceptable, my burdens are made beautiful, my hurts begin to find healing.  I cling to the hope that Christ has made me a new creation and that I can say goodbye to the old idols of organization, control, and perfection as they pass away daily, and embrace the new that He works in me moment by moment.