Unlovely

Jesus answered them, "It is not the healthy who need a doctor, but the sick.

I have not come to call the righteous, but sinners to repentance."

Luke 5:31-32

He who did not spare his own Son, but gave him up for us all -

how will he not also, along with him, graciously give us all things?

Romans 8:32

Sometime around mid-June, our child with the most severe effects of coming from a hard place (trauma) began to rage almost daily. The raging has been increasing in intensity, frequency, and duration since then. We sit down at the end of each day and try to rule out triggers for sensory issues, post traumatic stress flare ups, or confusion over expressive/receptive language delays. We plan ahead and try to keep a structured schedule to eliminate potential triggers. The hard thing is that sometimes when you have been hurt so badly, especially by family members in the past, nearly everything is a trigger, especially being in a family now. It seems crazy that being in a safe family would be a trigger for post traumatic stress melt downs, blow ups, and explosions. We pray that this is something that God would heal in this child's heart and mind. We love our child completely. Completely. And it is hard to watch the precious child live in torment. And it is draining. And we love our child.

Until healing comes for this sweet child, we are faced with living with some unlovely behaviors. Daily raging is beyond unpleasant, and for our other children it can be traumatizing at times. We are praying daily that our other children would not be bound by fear of these behaviors, but would love their sibling, even during the unlovely rages. We understand that this is only something God can do in our children's hearts and lives and we are trusting Him for this. We want our children to grow up knowing that God often calls us to do uncomfortable and unpleasant things for His glory and His good purpose.

In this difficult journey, God has been teaching us to treasure Him more and more. I can see how very unlovely I am and have been as I raged in my own sin, running from my Savior. And yet, He loved me with all my unlovely behaviors, full of raging and rebellion, pride and self-sufficiency. I am reminded that God did not come to call and heal those who are perfect - because there are none. (Romans 3:10) We all have our sins, though some are polished and perfected and look quite pleasant to the outside world. Still, any sin is as unlovely raging before God - and yet He did not spare His own son in our unloveliness! It was for our unlovely souls that He sacrificed His Son. I am thankful daily for the reminder of my own unloveliness and God's goodness to me. On account of His great love, I can love daily in the midst of unlovely raging, praying desperately for a heart of long-suffering, learning to treasure Christ above the prize of a peaceful earthly home, knowing that I have an eternity of peace with Christ awaiting me.