A Type of Wonderland Camp

Sounds like a really wonderful and inspiring title, doesn't it? I thought maybe it was time for some inspiration and encouragement from this end of the blogosphere. We are going to be spending the next two weekends visiting both sides of our families and I wanted to give them a glimpse of what our daily lives are like (if they even read this anymore). Camp experiences are something most people are familiar with, and Wonderland Camp, in particular, is someplace that a few members of the Olson family are familiar with, so I thought I'd run with that analogy for today's post. For those of you interested in older child/sibling group adoption or already on that journey, this might give you a glimpse into what it is like for us at 8 months into the journey.

Wonderland Camp is located in Southeastern Wisconsin and was formerly a Salvation Army outreach camp for inner city Chicago children. Nic's oldest brother lived and worked there for a few years and Nic worked there for a summer. I returned with him to work for two winter camps while we were still in college. It was a fabulous place that changed hearts and lives for Jesus. It was also the kind of place where the kids got off the bus and had immediate lice checks, needed a little help being "regulated", and lots of help learning all sorts of life lessons they missed out on at home. We were blessed beyond measure by Mr. and Mrs. D, the camp program director and his wife who modeled for us unbelievable work ethic, high expectations for the children, creativity in discipline, and God's grace and mercy in loving the children as they grew in their faith. Mr. and Mrs. D always said that they were blessed with two biological children, but 100's of children through their camp experience. They are now working for another camp, ministering to other campers and counselors.

Life this past week at our house has been a type of Wonderland Camp experience. The kids need so much pouring into. They need constant direction and structured activities with minimal decision making and choices. Almost any choices are overwhelming and often lead to fighting. The menu for meals and snacks for each day are posted on the refrigerator to cut down on post traumatic stress anxiety. I read the menu for each day at breakfast and each of the 100+ subsequent times someone frantically asks me what we will be eating next I gently point them to the refrigerator and encourage them to learn to read English. The schedule for each day is printed and on the refrigerator and is also read at breakfast. Monday, Wednesday and Friday follow much the same schedule and Tuesday/Thursday are the same with very minor variations. We have simplified, simplified, simplified and still life is complicated. As an example: It is still difficult for our 10 year old to tell you what country she lives in now. Life is just overwhelming.

During any typical day we start the morning out with "Good Morning Chores." These are the chores the children do to help their mornings start out good. They include things like: go to the bathroom, make their beds, put on their clothes, brush their hair and put away any laundry on their chair at the table. There is a list with the "Good Morning Chores" at the table just in case they forget - which they do every morning. Once they complete their "Good Morning Chores" our mornings can start out good. We eat breakfast together and do our after breakfast chores after breakfast. These chores include brushing teeth and other individually assigned chores (emptying garbage cans, cleaning mirrors, clearing the table, loading the dishwasher, vacuuming, straightening, organizing toys, etc.). These chores are far from automatic, but with loud enough music and time to dance in between reminders they all get done and we are ready to move on to our morning Bible lesson. During this time we talk about the schedule for the week (AGAIN), pray for any specific requests the kids bring up, sing some songs that correspond with the Bible lesson, read the Bible story in both English and Spanish, discuss the story, and sometimes do an extension activity in art or phonics tied to the less depending on time. On Tuesday and Thursday we head to the YMCA and the big kids go to a fitness class. The little kids have had swimming this past month. Next month they'll get to play in Kid's Stuff and I will be able to resume running and showering on those mornings. That hour to sweat and get clean is priceless! It is tough, tough, tough to get a shower in when you can't leave your kids unattended at home! I can say guilt-free that I have actually gone to the YMCA for the sole purpose of taking a shower while my children are safe and cared for by trained staff. For some reason the environment at the YMCA, and the fact that we are not in our own home helps the kids to reduce their anxiety and manage their behavior and they do great there.

On our non-YMCA mornings we head out to a county park and enjoy hours of running, climbing on playgrounds, hiking, rollerblading, or biking before a lunch. After YMCA mornings we just head there for our picnics. The county parks require a season pass, so they are much more quiet, which is great for our kids who often get overwhelmed by too many other kids. Some days we have the entire park/playground area to ourselves. On a rare occasion when I'm feeling exceptional I will arrange to meet a friend there, but it has only happened about twice, so I guess I'm not feeling that exceptional yet. Managing the four children who are currently at home requires 100% of my attention and more, so it is hard for me to imagine having a conversation with someone while I'm trying to parent (monitor, help, correct, guide, teach, discipline, encourage, listen to, protect) and I often get overwhelmed at the thought of meeting my friends and their kids for play dates just because I really couldn't even concentrate on anything other than parenting kids with excessive anxiety and attachment struggles. I know that it won't always be this way, but for now this is the reality of it.

Since we live in a town home with a relatively miniscule yard I have come to really appreciate the county park system. Where else can I enjoy acres of grass and trees and not have to mow or weed-whip a single bit of it, all for $25 a summer? We try to spend at least 3 hours at the parks expending energy. It has become my new philosophy to try to exhaust the children more than they exhaust me so that they can go to bed (willingly) at a relatively early time each night and sleep until later than 6:30 each morning. Our experience with parenting attachment challenged children who suffer from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder is that they have so much anxious energy bound up in them that they need much, much more physical exercise than the average child. Their bodies need the rest, too, but it is difficult for them to allow themselves to become relaxed enough to sleep because they have had to be hyper vigilant for so long. One of our children goes to bed each night emphatically exclaiming that she is NOT tired and is snoring within minutes. Another one of our children can be yawning and sleepily saying that she is NOT tired and she will keep herself from every falling into a deep sleep all night long and will be up hours before anyone else in the house and will have heard every train that passed by all night long and every time that anyone in the house got up to use the toilet. I aim to help them regulate their bodies to be able to feel tired by getting enough exercise and creating a safe environment so that, over time, they can feel safe enough to know that they are tired and can sleep here securely without harm.

Some days, depending on the weather we stop at the library. I try hard to keep this brief because I have a fear of noise in the library. And, well, my children are noisy. This is my own fear, though, since our library staff is perfectly okay with noise in the children's section of the library. I reserve online all the books I want to read to the children and just pick them up and then I let everyone pick out two books on their own. We are getting this down to a system...I think.

When we get home from our park and picnic time it is story time and I read to the kids on the couch for 30-45 minutes depending on how long I can keep my eyes open. This depends largely on how much coffee I have had to drink that particular morning and how late I stayed awake the night before. This is one of my favorite times of the day because it is good cuddle time. I love reading stories and explaining new vocabulary in both English and Spanish. Usually by the time we are done with this all four children can barely drag themselves to their beds for their mandatory 30 minutes of quiet time. Noah takes his nap during this time, but everyone else just reads quietly on their beds for those most precious 30 minutes while I slurp my liquid nap-in-a-cup (COFFEE), return phone calls to doctors and specialists, address and mail bills, and do mindless things like checking my email. I tend to avoid making phone calls because I really like the house to be quiet during those priceless 30 minutes, too. They pass all too quickly and then it is time for school.

The great thing about homeschooling students who are new to the United States is that they have no idea when the school year is supposed to start and end, so we have continued to do school as part of our daily routine during the summer. They know no different and they actually look forward to the structure of having one-on-one school time with Mom. There is a double benefit for the kids because they missed several years of school prior to their adoption, so we have some years to make up for. Each afternoon we have math and phonics time. We rotate each day who gets to have the first lesson time with Mom. On perfect Minnesota summer days (not too hot, humid or windy) we sit on our patio and sip lemonaid or have icees and do our math or write letters as our school work.

When they finish school there is always time for "free play choice time". When I was a kindergarten teacher "Choice Time" was a relatively unstructured time for students to explore educational and imaginary play activities and work through emerging social skill concepts while I worked on individual assessments. The educational and imaginary play options were always purposeful, usually corresponding to a unit of study, and it just made sense that the kids played best in this kind of environment. I like purpose. So now at home, with kids who have never had the opportunity to have toys, books, and games to call their own, it makes sense that they need structure and purpose to guide their "Free Play" time, too. So, during "Free Play" time on the schedule there is a list of activities to choose from so that they are not overwhelmed and to help them choose something to do instead of coming to me and asking me what to do, or starting a fight with someone else over a toy (because you always want what someone else has - it is the nature of sin), or doing something that looks tempting and fun but very off limits and dangerous. It is during this glorious time that I *imagine* myself to be able to cook supper while the children play. In reality, I spend most of the time refereeing, guiding, and redirecting in between running to the kitchen to see if I have charred the food to an inedible state and will need to call Nic on his way home for rotisserie chicken and instant potatoes. I also attempt to slurp more of my liquid nap-in-a-cup that I never got to finish during my 30 minute quiet time so that I won't fall asleep before it is time to put any children to bed.

Supper is...getting better. Because there was so much competition for air time (talking), there was constant interrupting at first and no one could hear anything. In our struggle for a creative means to help squelch the interrupting and make mealtimes a bit more peaceful, we introduced the game of "Papa & Mama Time." I would dish up everyone's plates heaping full and we would start every meal with 10 minutes of time for just Nic and I to talk about the day. Some of you are probably thinking that sounds harsh. Oh, well. It allowed the kids to eat in a quieter, more peaceful atmosphere. They learned to have a two-way conversation and take turns by listening to how Nic and I asked each other questions and responded to one another with interest. After our 10 minutes was up we played another game called "English Only." It is the only time that the kids needed to speak only English at home. Usually I speak Spanish to the kids and Nic speaks English to them. The English only game helped them to slow down and think about their words. It made the table a little quieter. If someone spoke Spanish we would all laugh and start the timer over. Now that everyone's English is getting so good we sometimes play "Spanish Only." It is fun to mix it up and keep everyone thinking purposefully. These little games have helped a lot at meal time and the kids have learned so much about having respectful conversations with one another. If we could just get one little three year old boy to stop making motor noises at the table...

We always set the table for breakfast while we are clearing the supper table and loading the dishwasher. Makes the "Good Morning Chores" go so much better because that part is already done!

One night a week after supper there is attachment therapy. One night a week there has been swimming lessons for the big girls. One night a week is deemed Nic's night to get out and do his thing - usually a trip to Menards or to go biking just by himself. One night a week is my night to get out - I have been able to get together and pray with a friend from my Sunday school class, sometimes I have to get groceries or run errands.

Evenings are purposeful with bath time, story time, and making time to tuck each child in bed. Therapeutic parenting is exhausting and bedtime NEEDS to come at a decent hour for the children because the day has been full, full, full and in between the purposeful activities and appointments we are training and reteaching attitudes and emotions that have been built and rooted in fear for 6, 8, and 10 years. Sometimes that means redirecting the same misbehavior over and over again; other times it means confronting the same useless lie; some days it means relocating a tantruming child (or the rest of the children if that's easier) several times; every day it means reassuring the children ad naseaum that I will not purposefully abandon them at a store, a park, in a public restroom, or a parking lot; every day it means reassuring them that there will be food for the next meal and snack time (though the pantry is full - you should see it when we run out of something!).

Whew! Those of you who have stuck with it and read all of this either a) have nothing better to do at this moment b) are really interested in our particular and peculiar family or c) are wondering what life may be looking like for your family one of these days. I have to admit that I don't personally prefer to live an exhausted life or be at the park daily. Though I love structure (remember all those Type-A posts), I long for a chance to relax a bit at home. However, at this time our kids need for us to provide the external structure that they are not able to provide for themselves internally. Eventually, they will learn this and life won't always be this way. And really, living like Wonderland Camp every day isn't so bad. The hard part is that there is no kitchen patrol, no craft staff, no nature staff, okay, really no other staff. But that's the thing about parenting attachment challenged children. What they need most of all is to learn to trust us as Mom and Dad and it's just not going to come any other way or by spending time hanging out with other people. It's our privilege to teach the kids all sorts of great things about God and family. It is right where God called us to be and it delights our hearts to be doing this, even if it is so very hard at this time, and even if it came with indescribable pain, loss and grief.