Embracing Our New Normal: Part 2

Psalm 103: 1-14

Bless the Lord, O my soul,
and all that is within me,
bless his holy name!
Bless the Lord, O my soul,
and forget not all his benefits,
who forgives all your iniquity,
who heals all your diseases,
who redeems your life from the pit,
who crowns you with steadfast love and mercy,
who satisfies you with good
so that your youth is renewed like the eagle's.

The Lord works righteousness
and justice for all who are oppressed.
He made known his ways to Moses,
his acts to the people of Israel.
The Lord is merciful and gracious,
slow to anger and abounding in steadfast love.
He will not always chide,
nor will he keep his anger forever.
He does not deal with us according to our sins,
nor repay us according to our iniquities.
For as high as the heavens are above the earth,
so great is his steadfast love toward those who fear him;
as far as the east is from the west,
so far does he remove our transgressions from us.
As a father shows compassion to his children,
so the Lord shows compassion to those who fear him.
For he knows our frame;
he remembers that we are dust.

Philippians 2:12-16

Therefore, my beloved, as you have always obeyed, so now, not only as in my presence but much more in my absence, work out your own salvation with fear and trembling, for it is God who works in you, both to will and to work for his good pleasure.

Do all things without grumbling or questioning, that you may be blameless and innocent, children of God without blemish in the midst of a crooked and twisted generation, among whom you shine as lights in the world, holding fast to the word of life.

Expectations

A very humbling thing for me to realize as we strive to embrace our new normal is that at the beginning, we had (and probably still do have) some pretty intense and unrealistic expectations for how our family should look, act, feel, react, and function. When I see other in the same situation (struggling against complaining due to unmet expectations/fears), my heart is immediately drawn to compassion for them. No matter how many books are written about sibling group, older child, out of order, special needs adoption, there is just no way to comprehend it until you have lived it. I guess that is the same for any parent - biological or adoptive. Having unrealistic expectations is not a purposeful or malicious mistake, but still a destructive one for everyone in the family. Early on in our journey, those unmet expectations led to some pretty ugly complaining, a doubting of God's sovereignty and love for us. Numbers 14 outlines the grumbling, complaining, and questioning of the Israelites after their sojourn in the dessert. All their grumbling didn't work out so well for them. Not for us, either.

Our grumbling left us in the pit.

The pit is a terrible place to be as leaders of a family. Harder still is trying to lead a hurting family from the pit. We are thankful for God's goodness and grace to draw us out of the pit and toward steps of working out our salvation with fear and trembling. Lots of trembling. Part of what has made it possible for us to embrace our new normal is trusting that even in the midst of hardship that we are crowned with steadfast love and mercy and satisfied with good, God's good for our lives. Day by day we are learning to trust God for our good. It doesn't always look like what the world would define as good or normal, but we rejoice in the blessings.

Deserving

In the midst of any week full of our new normal, how often have I thought, "I really don't deserve this! I don't deserve (write in any undesirable response/behavior here) from my children, whom I love with all my heart and for whom I gladly spend my days." In a moment, I am quickly humbled to know that what I do deserve, being full of my own sin, is a life of separation from God. I am humbled to see revealed in my own life secret sins that I used to be able to hide well: anger, impatience, pride, such ugly pride, and an overwhelming desire for my own comfort above the good of others.

Loving my children in the midst of challenging times has given me a small glimpse of God's love for me. I am able to rejoice knowing that the Lord is merciful and gracious, slow to anger and abounding in steadfast love. This is my Heavenly Father, showing compassion to His children. He has given me the ultimate example of how to love my children when He does not deal with me according to what my sins deserve or repay me according to my iniquities.

Hurting and Healing

How foolish of me to consider that welcoming hurting children into our home would be the day-to-day equivalent of any family with six biological children raised in the nurture and admonition of the Lord.* What was I thinking!?! Right from the start I had an intense desire to love my children, but selfishly I didn't want to endure their hurts with them. They were here in our safe and loving home now, after all. They were safe, loved, delighted in, rejoiced over. And did I mention that they were safe and loved?

In order to embrace our new normal I needed to learn to step into the hurt daily with my children, to not be afraid or ashamed to have a messy life, to not resent them for the hurt that they carry with them daily and bring to our home. I needed to trust God with the hurts in our home and ultimately with healing their hearts. What a freeing thing this has been for our family. It is a little uncomfortable at times because we are messy works in progress - all of us! It is humbling and wonderful to be so utterly dependent upon God in our home every single day.

We have journeyed from resisting our new normal, to writhing in it, to accepting it, and finally we see that through God's good work we have come to a place of embracing our new normal. By examining our expectations and then throwing them out altogether and begging God for His vision for our family we have found peace in the midst of hardship. By realizing our heart attitude of selfish deserving and realizing what it is that we truly deserve, we have found gratefulness and joy in the midst of undeserved compassion. By stepping into the hurt and allowing ourselves to be vulnerable we have come to a place of trusting God with healing for our family. I am certain that this is just a beginning and that God will continue to teach and guide us in ways to embrace this wonderful life He has called us to!

*(Yes I realize that there are many, many similarities in raising biological and adopted children, but there are also vast differences when it comes to raising children who have been deeply wounded and who carry deep and real fears that come from outside and before their time in your home.)