Giants In My Promised Land

Numbers 13:17-33

Moses sent them to spy out the land of Canaan and said to them, "Go up into the Negeb and go up into the hill country, and see what the land is, and whether the people who dwell in it are strong or weak, whether they are few or many, and whether the land that they dwell in is good or bad, and whether the cities that they dwell in are camps or strongholds, and whether the land is rich or poor, and whether there are trees in it or not. Be of good courage and bring some of the fruit of the land." Now the time was the season of the first ripe grapes.

So they went up and spied out the land from the wilderness of Zin to Rehob, near Lebo-hamath. They went up into the Negeb and came to Hebron. Ahiman, Sheshai, and Talmai, the descendants of Anak, were there. (Hebron was built seven years before Zoan in Egypt.) And they came to the Valley of Eshcol and cut down from there a branch with a single cluster of grapes, and they carried it on a pole between two of them; they also brought some pomegranates and figs. That place was called the Valley of Eshcol, because of the cluster that the people of Israel cut down from there.

Report of the Spies

At the end of forty days they returned from spying out the land. And they came to Moses and Aaron and to all the congregation of the people of Israel in the wilderness of Paran, at Kadesh. They brought back word to them and to all the congregation, and showed them the fruit of the land. And they told him, "We came to the land to which you sent us. It flows with milk and honey, and this is its fruit. However, the people who dwell in the land are strong, and the cities are fortified and very large. And besides, we saw the descendants of Anak there. The Amalekites dwell in the land of the Negeb. The Hittites, the Jebusites, and the Amorites dwell in the hill country. And the Canaanites dwell by the sea, and along the Jordan."

But Caleb quieted the people before Moses and said, "Let us go up at once and occupy it, for we are well able to overcome it." Then the men who had gone up with him said, "We are not able to go up against the people, for they are stronger than we are." So they brought to the people of Israel a bad report of the land that they had spied out, saying, "The land, through which we have gone to spy it out, is a land that devours its inhabitants, and all the people that we saw in it are of great height. And there we saw the Nephilim (the sons of Anak, who come from the Nephilim), and we seemed to ourselves like grasshoppers, and so we seemed to them."

Numbers 14:36-38

And the men whom Moses sent to spy out the land, who returned and made all the congregation grumble against him by bringing up a bad report about the land— the men who brought up a bad report of the land— died by plague before the LORD. Of those men who went to spy out the land, only Joshua the son of Nun and Caleb the son of Jephunneh remained alive.

God has been reaching my heart with His message of Sovereignty and hope through His Word, words of prayer and encouragement on our behalf, a few powerful, personal testimonies, as well as through the opportunity to teach my children each day. This week in our history and Bible lessons we are learning about the Israelite's return from Egypt to the land of Canaan. In my own quiet time, I happened to read the passage above.

I could have been one of those 12 spies.

My first grader sings this song about these 12 spies in her Wednesday Connection class at church. It has actions and is great for kids. It is one of those songs that grows faster and faster each time it is sung repetitively, and I am usually lost after the first round because it goes so fast. It goes something like this:

12 went down to spy on Canaan

10 were bad and 2 were good

What did they see when they got to Canaan?

10 were bad and 2 were good

Some saw giants big and tall

Some saw grapes in clusters fall

Some saw God was over all

10 were bad and 2 were good

Looking back on the past two years and on our journey into older child adoption, I am ashamed to say that I would not have been Joshua or Caleb. Even though we were well educated regarding adoption issues and we thought we trusted God in this step of adoption, all we could see were giants. We saw giants of attachment disorders, giants of disabilities and delays, giants of violence and aggression, giants of maladaptive manipulation.

Don't misunderstand me, we clearly trusted that we were to walk into the journey of older child adoption. I could liken it to our own journey into Canaan and say that God was "calling" us there. And just like those twelve spies, the giants we encountered were real. I find it interesting that Joshua and Caleb didn't discount the truth of the other ten spies when they told of the fortified cities, or the Amalakites, Hittites, Jebusites, Amorites, or Canaanites that they would have to overcome. Those challenges were real and not to be discounted. Caleb only said, "We are well able to overcome it."

The giants we faced were real, too. The precious children were not giants in any way, but the fears and hurts they acted out became giants in our home. What is worse, my own fear, like that of the 10 bad spies, became a giant. Somewhere in the past two years I found myself not trusting like Caleb that we are well able to overcome it. I doubted whether or not God could overcome all of these hurts in our home.

Fear and doubt were big giants in my heart.

After our adoption of our big kiddos, some people tried to tell us that these giants did not exist, as if by believing hard enough that the Amalakites, Hittites, Jebusites, Amorites, Canaanites and walled cities did not exist the Israelites could have just waltzed into Canaan and took over. That was not Caleb's understanding of the situation - he saw the reality of the situation too, and he trusted God would overcome. God commanded the Israelites to actually battle to wipe out the Canaanites. This was not a mere walk-in-the-park kind of overcoming that the Israelites were facing, but Caleb was confident in God's power. From a parenting perspective, it was hard to hear advice that sounded a lot like, "Oh, they're just kids! Relax, all kids do XYZ! Kids are resilient!" Our big kiddos couldn't handle us waltzing back into normal, American life and jumping back in with them, even when we took it really, really slow. Eight and ten years of an unimaginable lifestyle can take a bit of subduing, but it was hard for others to see that, especially when it was painful for even us to realize how much subduing we were in for.

Their challenges were real and they seemed like giants to us at the time because we did not realize God's sovereignty and His power to overcome the challenges.

On the flip side, others (mostly from the adoption and psychology/mental health communities) gave advice or perspectives that magnified our kiddos challenges a hundred fold, creating super-giants out of diagnoses, disabilities, and past trauma, and striking more fear in our hearts. This was not a God-centered view of adoption, parenting or disabilities, yet I found this view perpetuated even among Christian adoption and psychology professionals.

Fears can seem like giants and anything we fear more than God can become an idol.

It was in this agony that we prayerfully made an adoption plan for our oldest and newly adopted son. We wrestled with not being able to maintain a safe environment at home and we wrestled with our commitment to love him forever. We prayed that God would provide a family that could see God's sovereignty and believe He could overcome the giants in our son's life. And God did provide.

Sometimes provision does not look like what we originally wanted or imagined.

Romans 11:33-35

Oh, the depth of the riches and wisdom and knowledge of God! How unsearchable are his judgments and how inscrutable his ways!
"For who has known the mind of the Lord,
or who has been his counselor?"
"Or who has given a gift to him
that he might be repaid?"

As one year turned to two, our home continued to be carried along by daily crisis and exhaustion. We felt somewhat battered by the opposing views of the world regarding our situation in adoption (that the challenges were inconsequential or that the challenges were larger than life) and yet we pressed on with what mustard seed sized faith remained, holding onto the Truth we knew. God is sovereign. God is good. God loves us. God is for us. In all our wanderings He did not let us go.

Psalm 56:8-11

You have kept count of my tossings;
put my tears in your bottle.
Are they not in your book?

Then my enemies will turn back
in the day when I call.
This I know, that God is for me.
In God, whose word I praise,
in the LORD, whose word I praise,
in God I trust; I shall not be afraid.
What can man do to me?

We have feared. We have failed. We have lost. We have grieved. We have received. We have been comforted, kept, and restored. We have learned so much more about God's everlasting and sovereign love for us.

Romans 8:31-32

What then shall we say to these things? If God is for us, who can be against us? He who did not spare his own Son but gave him up for us all, how will he not also with him graciously give us all things?

We are thankful that we are no longer facing giants in our promised land, that we can embrace with joy the blessing of parenting our children. We are able to rejoice in God's sovereignty for us, seeing the beauty of challenges that have drawn us nearer to Him. We trust that while challenges remain, that He is for us and that even these challenges are for our good.

I look forward to sharing more another day about delighting in glimpses of God's grace, joy and sovereignty in our journey.