Anguish

"Then Job replied:

'If only my anguish could be weighed and all my misery be placed on the scales!

It would surely outweigh the sand of the seas -no wonder my words have been impetuous.'"

Job 6:1-3

For some time now I have been thinking about the topic of anguish and the appropriate response. I'll admit that some days anguish has consumed me, eaten me whole, chewed me up, spit me out and left me to be trampled by those who think they know enough to advise us in our journey. This same anguish has motivated me to seek my Savior, to implore Him in my grief, agonize with Him over my broken and wounded children, and seek my contentment only in Him.

"Then Job replied:

'I have heard many things like these; miserable comforters are you all!

Will your long winded speeches never end? What ails you that you keep on arguing?

I also could speak like you, if you were in my place;

I could make fine speeches against you and shake my head at you.

But my mouth would encourage you; comfort from my lips would bring you relief.

Yet if I speak, my pain is not relieved; and if I refrain, it does not go away.'"

Job 16:1-6

It has been my observation during the past eleven months that most people, the church in particular, are uncomfortable with anguish. In fact, they are so uncomfortable with it that they will do or say almost anything to make it go away. They are so uncomfortable with anguish that they label it as sin. The correlation being that if you are burdened with anguish you are not living in the freedom Christ has bought for you and you must be harboring a sin to be carrying such anguish. The problem with this is that, similar to Job's situation and that of countless other faithful men and women in the Bible, the experience of deep anguish doesn't just come and go, nor is it rarely meant to. According to Romans 8:28 "we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose." Taken at face value, some can twist this verse to be just another mock up of the prosperity gospel meaning that everything will eventually benefit us in an earthly sense. What we need to really grasp is that God's purpose is eternal and the good He is working in us is an eternal change, not a temporal one. We can seek the eternal good that God is working in us while bearing the earthly anguish that is refining our hearts and drawing us to Him. Bearing this anguish, suffering the burden of grief and hurt, and seeking God's grace and redemption in the midst of our pain is not sin.

"My eyes are ever on the Lord, for only he will release my feet from the snare.

Turn to me and be gracious to me, for I am lonely and afflicted.

The troubles of my heart have multiplied;free me from my anguish.

Look upon my affliction and my distress and take away all my sins.

See how my enemies have increased and how fiercely they hate me!

Guard my life and rescue me; let me not be put to shame, for I take refuge in you.

May integrity and uprightness protect me, because my hope is in you."

Psalm 25:15-21

We have encountered the judgment of many as we wait on God in our anguish. We have heard their words that are like bitterness to our hearts, no matter how well meaning they are. They try to push aside our anguish, minimize the depth of our pain, or mock our youth and folly in our parenting journey. The trouble with this is that none of this is helpful and it does nothing to advance the kingdom of God. It doesn't point us back to God as our source of sufficiency. To have another mom tell me that "all kids are tough" or that "all kids go through rough phases" is really so far from understanding the place where God has brought us. It minimizes the depth of pain our children have experienced and the brokenness with which we now live on a daily basis. Another writer put it much more clearly here and I urge you to read it if you have ever been tempted to identify with or compare your "normal" children with those on the attachment disordered spectrum. Others have counseled us on our "sin" of dealing with the anguish and depth of emotion that comes along with it: grief, loss, anger, sadness. What they don't see or take time to realize is that we are not without hope, but that our hope is NOT in our children's healing. God may or may not choose to heal our children's past hurts here. God's faithfulness does not depend on our success as parents, on our children's healing, or on our comfort in the place where God has brought us. Because He is faithful we will continue to seek Him, and we can do that genuinely while simultaneously feeling genuine anguish in our hearts. He is still God and we continue to seek Him.

Particularly confounding to me, in light of seeking acceptance for my anguish and dealing with those who fail to bring me comfort, is the fact that the vast majority who condemn this deep emotion in me are the same people who would never welcome the world's most hurting, dirty, angry, and poor orphans into their homes lest they stain the carpet, upset their family meal times, or cause their lives to be unsettled. I am not advocating for a pat on the back here, but for the quiet understanding that one should not condemn that which they are unwilling to step out in faith and obedience and do for Christ. We have sought God in every step and it has led us through eleven months of heart ache and pain. Our anguish does not nullify God's desire for us to parent these precious children, nor does it mean we were mislead. Our anguish hasn't stolen from us our passion for God or for the children who need a family more than we need a comfortable life. In all of this we are learning that Jesus is our sufficiency. We are learning that we would do it again a million times over, bringing ourselves to the brink of anguish again, enduring every raging RAD fit, every thrown rock, every lost and broken dream, every hurt heart, because we know this is right where God has placed us.

Anguish is not a sin. Neither is anguish a lack of faith. Anguish is a place in our journey. It is a place where God has drawn us to Himself, where He has stripped us of comforts that are short-lived and ineffective and replaced them with all that He has to give us in His grace. God has provided a few others to walk beside us who know our anguish, who have themselves lived it, too. It is refreshing when others who have walked in our shoes don't feel the need to minimize our anguish, condemn us for our lack of belief and hope, lecture us on the current best practices of highly effective Christian parents, or remind us of all that we would've/could've/should've had/been/done had we chosen to grow our family traditionally and conservatively instead of through adoption and older child/sibling group adoption in particular. It is a blessing to be able to be heard, held, and acknowledged. If you are wondering what that looks like practically, I may have to write about that another time since this is getting so lengthy already, but it is important to know that these people have been a blessing, pointing us back to our Savior and allowing us to find rest even in this time of great anguish. Thank you to those of you who know you have been able to do that for us.