Broken, But In His Grip

To say that we are broken over our son's recent diagnosis of Reactive Attachment Disorder, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder and Developmental Cognitive Disability (mild mental retardation) would be akin to saying that someone being sustained only by life support has an "owie." Our brokenness becomes swollen when we realize that months of waiting on diagnoses for our new daughters lay ahead of us as we watch the days play out and sense things beginning to unravel at home for them as their not-so-sweet honeymoon period comes to an end. All the while we try to balance our littlest ones' needs for normalcy, stability, and safety in an environment that is becoming more and more unglued every day.

We are desperately waiting. Waiting on God to provide for the next step and to make it clear. Things at home are desperate and so far we have encountered closed doors in our desperate attempts to get the help that our son desperately needs. In this waiting we feel both our brokenness and the brokenness of our children even more deeply.

We can only cling to the hope we have in Jesus. We have sought Him at every turn in our adoption process and our family. We trust that He loves our children and knows their needs, their pain, their brokenness, their hurts and their grief much more than we do. He knows exactly where we are today and He hasn't left us in the midst of our brokenness.

Many people have asked what they can do to help and we are so thankful for that. It has taken me some time to be able to think clearly enough about what might be helpful for our family. At this time the most helpful thing for our family is still meals and occassional grocery runs when I just can't get out of the house. We always need toilet paper, napkins, milk, bread, eggs, and glue sticks (because I'm certain the children eat them!).

A few people have offered to watch the kids for us during our doctor's appointments and weekly therapy appointments and we greatly appreciate this. We never imagined we would still have this many medical appointments seven months into this journey. The tricky thing with parenting three children with attachment disorders is that they can't handle the same kind of interactions and stimulation that normal children their age can handle, but they look like normal kids. They become easily overstimulated and don't have the regulatory abilities of normal kids to calm themselves and then they then end up feeling scared and unsafe. It is so hard to leave our new children with anyone who doesn't have a very clear understanding of attachment disorders because we end up undoing and paying for what others lovingly meant to be great care. Our new children have been with us for seven months and daily we remind ourselves that they have a seven-month-old's ability to regulate and manage their environment. We can't expect more at this time, but we can embrace it and pray for the grace to manage a household of three big "seven month olds" and a typical three and four year old. It is a daily, moment-by-moment, waiting on the Lord for grace, strength and patience.

Some days are so hard and painful that I work diligently to find every small, positive thing to be thankful for throughout the day. Each of our five children has weekly rotating chores which they are able to accomplish with varying degrees of success. Last Monday our four year old sweetness was doing her job of clearing the breakfast table without complaining and I was rejoicing in my heart for this treat, especially after enduring a particularly difficult pre-breakfast portion of our day already. As she carried the 3/4 full glass jar of apple sauce to the refrigerator she dropped it and there it was, shattered and splattered everywhere on the kitchen floor. It took me an hour to clean it up and get all the glass pieces out of the linoleum and I just remember feeling like that glass jar, shatterd in a million pieces. I'm thankful that it is God's job to pick up the pieces and put me back together, not mine. He is capable. A dear friend recently ministered to me through this psalm as I cried out to the Lord on behalf of our family. I hope that it encourages you whenever you find yourself broken but in His grip.

Psalm 31

In you, O Lord, I have taken refuge;
let me never be put to shame;
deliver me in your righteousness.
Turn your ear to me,
come quickly to my rescue;
be my rock of refuge,
a strong fortress to save me.
Since you are my rock and my fortress,
for the sake of your name lead and guide me.
Free me from the trap that is set for me,
for you are my refuge.
Into your hands I commit my spirit;
redeem me, O Lord, the God of truth.

I hate those who cling to worthless idols;
I trust in the Lord.
I will be glad and rejoice in your love,
for you saw my affliction and knew the anguish in my soul.
You have not handed me over to the enemy
but have set my feet in a spacious place.

Be merciful to me, O Lord, for I am in distress;
my eyes grow weak with sorrow, my soul and my body with grief.
My life is consumed by anguish and my years by groaning;
my strength fails because of my affliction,
and my bones grow weak.
Because of all my enemies,
I am the utter contempt of all my neighbors;
I am a dread to my friends-
those who see me on the street flee from me.
I am forgotten by them as through I were dead;
I have become like broken pottery.
For I hear the slander of many;
there is terror on every side;
they conspire against me and plot to take my life.

But I trust in you, O Lord;
I say, "You are my God."
My times are in your hands;
deliver me from my enemies and from those who pursue me.
Let your face shine on your servant;
save me in your unfailing love.
Let me not be put to shame, O Lord,
for I have cried out to you;
but let the wicked be put to shame and lie silent in the grave.
Let their lying lips be silenced,
for with pride and contempt
they speak arrogantly against the righteous.

How great is your goodness,
which you have stored up for those who fear you,
which you bestow in the sight of me
on those who take refuge in you.
In the shelter of your presence you hide them
from the intrigues of men;
in your dwelling you keep them safe
from accusing tongues.

Praise be to the Lord,
for he showed his wonderful love to me
when I was in a besieged city.
In my alarm I said,
"I am cut off from your sight!"
yet you heard my cry for mercy
when I called to you for help.

Love the Lord, all his saints!
The Lord preserves the faithful,
but the proud he pays back in full.
BE STRONG AND TAKE HEART,
ALL YOU WHO HOPE IN THE LORD.